Mind: Unlocked

The reason I read and sometimes watch the things I do, come from my lonely  childhood. At least that’s what I believe.
Books, movies, series,  sagas all present another world to me. Someone else’s world – a better world.

The stories I find most fascinating are the ones where, no matter how terrible the story, there is always a good outcome.
I’ve spent a lifetime waiting for my happy ending.  It’s like that saying: Always a bridesmaid, never a bride.
Yet my life has had its own miraculous moments. My mother,  who bathed me in love for no other reason (I believe) than the fact that she didn’t get it from her mother. And I don’t think from the woman who raised her either. Definitely not the way she gave it to me.

I spend most of my conscious meanderings mentally pulling myself up short.
I always realise – its because of someone else’s perception of me. I haven’t allowed myself to prove myself to myself.
Yet, I am an advocate of grace. I believe what God’s word says about me is true. And still, I live by my own philosophy – You act what you believe.

Makes me think…
How am I acting?
What do I believe?

I am acting fearful. Fearful of the opinions of people I hold in high regard.  Because I’ve placed them in that high position,  I’ve given them a title and now I expect them to live up to it.

When they don’t, I act surprised, shocked, disappointed.
Its not even my right. Another one of my philosophies…. I have no rights.
What do I deserve?  Nothing.

I hear the collective, figurative gasp at that. Especially in this day and age where people focus so much on creating your own happiness and weeding outthe rotten apples from your life, because you deserve better. Well you don’t.
We’ve been given life. Freely. And I think the very  best we can do with a free gift of such a great magnitude is live it so it does the Giver a great justice. Not mope and moan about injustices and things.
We deserve nothing more because we’ve been given so much.

I feel like I have as much to give but so few to give it to. Like I have so much greatness pent up inside me and on some level I’m afraid to let it out.

It’s true.  Our deepest fear is that we are inadequate.
I can think of nothing else that would hold me back so perfectly.  Inadequate in our sight as well as and/or possibly in the sight of others also.

I value good friendship a great deal. Yet I sometimes feel guilty that I get to experience it. Like what have I done so right to earn the things I have. And in the face of potentially losing it – I find myself feeling guilty again. What right do I have to want to cling to something other people don’t even know how to dream of because there is nothing that can match it.

I love watching or reading books that invoke thoughts of being more and accepting more.

I am overwhelmed when I think of the space I actually take up in this universe.  In comparison I am nothing. In comparison I am no-one.
Yet my being here does something.  It creates something.  Brings forth something.  Dare I say it?

Something great.

I believe in ripple effects and butterflies.  The opportunity to change and be so transformed that you have no choice but to affect your surroundings.
More guilt.
EVERYTHING I do affects someone or something else. It does so in both good and bad ways.
I hate regret. Its a terrible thing. It festers and breeds till all it has brought forth is lack of reason to be thankful.

P.s. 20 minutes of free flow writing…. I did good 🙂